In 5th grade, I had one of my favourite teachers, Mr. B (not his real name). He was an incredible educator who truly engaged us—especially through music. I still remember all the lyrics to “If I Had a Hammer”, and whenever I hear it, I’m instantly transported back to that class. That’s no small thing, considering how few teachers I remember from school. Another vivid memory from that class is being in a portable, and—more curiously—believing that Mr. B was having an affair with one of the parent volunteers. I told my mom about it at the time, and she didn’t believe me.
Looking back, this memory often makes me reflect on something I’ve noticed in my work and in myself: people with ADHD often have an uncanny ability to pick up on things others don’t. They can sense when something’s off—when someone’s lying, being fake, or not acting with integrity. While this connection hasn’t been widely studied scientifically, my years of experience as a clinician —working with hundreds of families and children with ADHD—have shown me that this kind of intuition is remarkably common. Call it a gift or a curse, but it’s real.
ADHD has many contradictions and this is certainly one of them. We can be entirely oblivious to what’s going on around us—lost in thought, hyper-focused, or mentally checked out—but at other times be strikingly attuned. There are a few theories that attempt to explain this. Anthropological perspectives suggest that people with ADHD may be descendants of hunters and warriors—roles that required hyper-awareness and rapid environmental scanning. Another theory ties it to trauma: when you’ve faced repeated negative feedback in a world built for neurotypicals, you become hyper-alert to other people as a form of self-protection.
Integrity, then, becomes a crucial issue for those with ADHD. We are highly sensitive to inauthenticity and feel deep discomfort when people’s actions don’t align with their words. For children with ADHD, this often leads to trouble. They may call out teachers, coaches, or peers when something feels “off,” which can be misinterpreted as disrespect or defiance—especially in a society that often prioritizes obedience over honesty. Their bluntness and need for alignment between inner truth and outer action can strain relationships, particularly with adults who are uncomfortable being questioned or exposed.
In our home, my children—growing up in a neurodiverse household—are encouraged to listen to their instincts. We support them in exploring their feelings about the people in their lives, whether it’s a friend, teacher, or coach. This doesn’t mean they’re allowed to be rude, but it does mean we validate their perceptions. As a result, they’ve become confident, outspoken kids who are learning to trust their instincts while also learning when and how to temper their honesty to avoid unnecessary harm.
The real learning, though, isn’t for the children—it’s for us as adults. When a child or teen resists us, questions us, or shuts down, it’s worth asking ourselves: Are my actions aligned with my words? Children with ADHD can feel that misalignment instinctively. The adults who handle this best are the ones who are already living in integrity—they’re open, grounded, and willing to have those difficult conversations. The ones who react defensively? They’re often the ones who feel exposed.
And, in the end? I was right about Mr. B. Years later, my mom told me that he was having an affair with the parent volunteer.
Sometimes, kids with ADHD just know.
Melissa Fellin MSW, RSW, MA, PhD, CPT 